THE BEST SPEECH PRESIDENT UHURU KENYATTA WILL NEVER GIVE

Uhuru Kenyatta – the president elect – is set to be sworn in for his second term in office this coming Tuesday 28th November 2017 before 2pm. The NASA coalition has also decided they must swear in their leader. “Wakiswear tunaswear”, the opposition followers have broadly declared. It seems Eric Kiraithe has given them a go ahead after his press conference (although he owes Catholic faithfuls an apology for dragging the name of the pope in Kenya’s dirty politics). It is without doubt that the son of Jomo will take the oath to serve for another five years
together with the self-declared billionaire hustler (I have realized being poor like me doesn’t earn one the title hustler). So in my mind, I thought of the best speech the CEO of Kenya’s government could give. This is what I came up with for him.

“The heads of states present in this occasion, representatives sent by various governments across the world, and high commissioners, ambassadors, esteemed Kenyans ladies and gentlemen. I want to welcome you all to this great and historic event. My first apology goes to Kenyans on behalf of my father the late Jomo Kenyatta. He started his presidency on a bad note. It was my father that planted the seed of corruption, elimination of opponents as well as land grabbing that some leaders have specialized in in Kenya. I beg forgiveness from you Kenyans. I have decided that the lands grabbed by my father will be returned to the owners; in Coast, the former Central Province and the Rift Valley.

My first term of close to five years had a lot of challenges. It began with elections that I did not validly win. Then I appointed cabinet secretaries and governments officials based on their tribe (my tribe and that of my able deputy), political allegiance and rewarding those who assisted us campaign and rig the election. A lot happened within the term. Fellow Kenyans, I deeply regret. Various scandals including Waiguru looting NYS funds happened right before my eyes. The ministry of health scandal also happened with my full knowledge but since it involved my sister, I decided not to act. The Eurobond money opposition heads consistently
talked about was as they said. No single cent from the loan was used. Most of it was used for our campaigns and buying of politicians

That moment I asked Kenyans what they expected me to do in fighting corruption still haunts me to date. I had everything at my disposal to fight corruption but decided not to do so. May I be forgiven for all that. Most people working in my government have mysteriously become rich. These include my friend William Ruto. I cannot talk on is behalf since he is here. I know he will choose an appropriate moment to defend himself.
As much as we are trying to force the world to believe that we had elections on 26th October, whatever happened cannot qualify to be called elections. Behind the scenes, we forced Chebukati to announce me as a winner using numbers generated by Ezra Chiloba, the IEBC CEO. I pray that the country forgives them. They have promised to tender their resignation letters later in the day.

Lastly, the brutality police have subjected those in opposition who are fighting for the right cause keeps breaking my heart. I cannot proceed. Just like David who could not build Lord’s temple because his hands were full of blood, mine is also full of blood to the extent that I cannot lead this great country of Kenya. I therefore take the golden opportunity to say right infront of everybody that I have forfeited the great seat. I urge the country to organize fresh elections and elect leaders democratically. God bless Kenya, God bless you. Asanteni sana.”

We all know he cannot say that, ama namna gani my fren?

3 thoughts on “THE BEST SPEECH PRESIDENT UHURU KENYATTA WILL NEVER GIVE

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